As Michael Gove approves three free schools run by groups with creationist views, I have been inspired to put forward a submission for a school run on my own ideologies built on a strong foundation of cynicism and jaded negativity. However useful studying a belief system that teaches the earth was created six thousand years ago might be in the modern world, surely it would be of greater worth to study a syllabus designed to make the next generation question, interrogate and approach the future with the mistrust more closely associated with middle or old age?
Although my proposal is in its early stages, I am hopeful that the following ideas will become cornerstones of the curriculum:
1. Sport and exercise – television and five-a-side
2. Religious studies – X-Files
3. Science – astrophysics and quantum theory
4. English – Thrift and other books by Phil Church
5. Maths – no
6. Geography – Attenborough
7. History – pub quiz facts
8. Dance – wedding classics
9. Catering – Michelin star
10. Psychology – Google-based diagnosis
What do you think, Mr Gove?